I did a rather dumb thing today. I finished reading Suzanne's Diary for Nicholas (by James Patterson) today. It was a pretty good book, and a fast read....289 pages of fairly large type, for a paperback....I think it took me about 3 hours, total. Although I had some idea of what the book was about, I really wasn't prepared for the last diary entry. I have become teary over books before, but I don't really recall a time where I have completely broken down over a book. I'm talking a real honest to goodness sobbing, shaking, gulping breakdown. That's what the combinatinon of the story, the pregnancy hormones, and our current situation resulted in.

Now, that I have finished that book, the last one in my stack, I have nothing (new) left to read until we go to the library on Thursday. I guess I'll have to go peruse my bookshelves to find another quick read to tide me over until then.

Alison got a helium balloon at the grocery store today. We hadn't planned to buy one but she left the store with one anyway. At Kevin's company picnic they were giving the kids helium balloons, but Alison couldn't have one. They were latex balloons and we don't let her have stuff with latex. So Kevin told her he would buy her a balloon at the store. She didn't really say anything about it last week, but today, she said she wanted one and daddy had said he would buy her one. So now she has a pretty orange and pink butterfly balloon.

As of right now, she's been playing with her balloon for almost 25 minutes. The ribbon is just long enough for her to be able to reach it by herself when she lets go and it floats back up to the ceiling. So that's what she's been doing....letting go, letting it float up to the ceiling and then snatching it back down again. Sometimes she'll take it and put it on the floor and say "stay on the floor, balloon." But as soon as she lets go, up to the ceiling it goes again, and she doesn't quite understand why.

Well, 25 weeks down. How many more to go? Who knows. It should be 12 more, but realistically, that's not going to happen. I had my weekly check-up yesterday, and it was more of the same. Pele is still living up to his/her nickname. S/he is apparently still growing....after 2 weeks measuring at 23, yesterday was 24 1/2. Not quite caught up, but still showing growth. His/her heart rate was still in the 140's. None of this is what is supposed to be happening. The baby is supposed to be slowing down, both in movement and heart rate, and s/he should not be growing.

My check-up was kind of weird yesterday. There are 4 doctors and a nurse practitioner in this practice. Of those 4 doctors, I have one that is "my" doctor. When pregnant, they rotate us through all the doctors so that we will have met them at least once or twice if they happen to be the doctor on call when it's time to deliver. Anyway, back to yesterday's appointment. This is only the third time over 2 pregnancies that I've seen this particular doctor. I don't think I care for her very much. Maybe it's just her way, or maybe it's just that she was behind schedule yesterday, but she was very short with us. And she was kind of contradictory, too, in a way. On the one hand, she was verifying that I would be getting my Rhogam shot at my 28 week appointment, like there was nothing wrong, and on the other hand, when I asked about whether I needed to do the glucose tolerance test, she said no, because obviously no one expects this pregnancy to last long enough for it to be an issue. Anyway, we've decided that if movement, heart rate and growth are still the same next week, we're going to ask to have another ultrasound.

For anyone who thinks cell phones are not a distraction when you are driving, I've got news for you.....they are!

Last night we came home from spending the weekend with my parents. I decided to take over driving after we stopped to pick up something for dinner, mostly because I just wanted to get home and I drive faster, or at least at a more consistent speed, than Kevin. I also figured that he could finally get ahold of his mother, since he tried to Sunday night and she ended up calling our cell twice and our house 3 times because she is incapable of listening to and comprehending messages left on answering machines. But that's another story.

So we switched places and Kevin did call his mom, but she wasn't back from visiting his grandmother at the nursing home. He left a messaged that she could call the cell and he would be able to talk because he wasn't driving. So I knew that she would be calling back eventually.

We'd been on the road for a little more than an hour. We passed a cop that was just finishing up with a car s/he had pulled over. I had slowed down to the exact speed limit and a little ways down the road started speeding up again. I knew that the cop had finished up and pulled out. At the exact time that I was cruising down the highway at 79 mph and realized that the cop was coming up behind me really fast, the phone rang. Somehow, in that split second, my brain connected the phone with the cop, thinking that it was coming at me with lights and sirens, even though the flashing lights weren't even on. I nearly drove off the road! The cop blew past me, off on some other business, and Kevin answered the phone. And once my heart slowed down, I calmly drove us the rest of the way home.

It's been a long time since I've written anything. And a lot has been going on.

We had our appointment with Pediatric Cardiology at U of M, and they basically confirmed what we expected. They baby is not going to survive. What they did tell us was that this was not originally a heart problem. The heart formed properly. But the right ventricle, which is supposed to be doing all the work in utero, is just barely pumping. The left ventricle has taken up the slack, but it cannot continue to do so indefinitely. Also, the heart is definitely enlarged and there was a lot of fluid around it.

A week later, we were back at U of M for another detailed ultrasound and a follow-up appointment with Ped. Cardiology. The ultrasound was awful. There was no amniotic fluid around the baby, making it nearly impossible to see anything very clearly. The person doing the u/s groaned and grimmaced the entire time. I know it was hard for her to do her job, but there wasn't anything that could be done about it. Things were the way they were. After the u/s, a doctor came in to talk to us, and his bedside manner was pretty much as unpleasant at the u/s tech's. He wanted to know what we had been told about the baby's viability and the cause of the problem. I just wanted to tell him that we weren't there because we wanted to be there, we were there because Ped. Cardiology wanted us there, we knew that the baby wasn't going to survive and why it wasn't going to survive, and we didn't need him to tell us that. Since they couldn't see if the baby has any kidneys or not, the doc mentioned the possibility of having us come back for an MRI to check for them and we told them no. It's not going to change anything, and it's a pain in the butt to get down there for appointments anyway. From there we went downstairs to our Ped. Cardiology appt. where the staff was much nicer. They rechecked everything, double checked something things they thought might be causing the problem, but they looked fine. The doctor said they could have us back in four weeks if we wanted to, but that it was up to us. Again, we declined, for the same reasons we declined the possibility of the MRI.

During these appointments, Alison was with my mom. She came to stay at our house for the initial cardiology appoinment, and then met us in Ann Arbor and got a motel room for Alison to take a nap in for the follow-ups. Alison had had an appointment of her own that morning. Once we were done with our appointments, we met them at the motel, went back to the mall to pick up some shoes for Alison and me, had dinner, and headed back to Ohio to my parents' house. You see, my grandmother had died early that week and the memorial service was the next day.

We got through the service and came home to plan for a birthday party. That's right, I'm now the proud owner of a three year old. :) We had a small party with just the three of us on Alison's actual birthday, and had my parents' and the neighbors over for a bigger party the following Saturday. During this time, I hadn't been feeling the baby very much. When I went in for my appointment Monday afternoon, I was fully prepared for there to be no heartbeat. I hadn't felt the baby in at least a day. The heartrate was a little slower and I was measuring a week behind. I still wasn't feeling any movement. Then all of a sudden, on Wednesday, the baby started going crazy, moving like it was before we knew there was anything wrong. And it has been this way ever since. I can't imagine that anything has changed, no matter how much I might hope that it has. Maybe this is just the last hurrah before everything comes to an end.

I just wish that if the baby is going to die, it would die now instead of dragging on and on. If this baby is not meant to be, we all need to get on with our lives. I realize that may sound cold and cruel, and like we don't want this baby. Nothing could be farther from the truth. This baby is very much wanted. I just feel like Alison has missed out on so much for the last 6 months, and all for nothing. For most of the first trimester, I felt crummy all the time and didn't have the energy to do much more than what I had to. Then, once I finally started feeling better, it got so darn hot here that I couldn't stand being outside very much. We went to PT and to the classes she took at the Community Center, but that's about it. Last summer we went to Dow Gardens pretty much every week, weather permitting. This year, I think we went twice, and it was before there was anything to do in the Childrens' Garden, her favorite place to go. Since we learned of the baby's problems, we've been trying to keep things as normal as possible around here for her, but how normal is it for mommy and daddy to be sad so much of the time? She know the baby is sick, but she's just too little to fully understand what's going on. We don't talk about the baby very much at all anymore, yet today, out of the blue, she told her Sunday school teacher that she was going to have a little brother. That left Kevin in the akward position of having to explain the situation.

And that's where we are for now....waiting.

Yesterday, I was thinking back to when I went through fetal surgery with Alison. Because of our choice to do that, we took a pregnancy where we knew the outcome would result in a live baby and made it into one where anything could happen....she could have died during the surgery, she could have been born extremely prematurely and died, she could have been really premature and had a lot of related health problems. We had no way of knowing what was going to happen. But once the decision to have the surgery was made, I also made the decision that she was going to stay put until 37 weeks and she was going to be fine. That's just all there was to it. She had other ideas and decided to only stay put until 36 1/2 weeks, but that was close enough. Despite some initial breathing issues, she was fine and was able to come home 5 days later. Aside from needing to be shunted for hydrocephalus at 7 months old, she has not had any real Spina Bifida related issues.

After pondering on this for a little while I came to the conclusion that I would really like to just be able to decide that this baby is going to be fine, too, and have that be that. But, at the same time I'm worried about what will happen to me if I make that decision and the baby doesn't make it. I talked to Kevin about that feeling a little bit yesterday and he said he just wished that we would go to our appointment on Wednesday and find that the problem was gone. That would be nice, but realistically we both know it's not going to happen.

Since yesterday, I've been feeling remarkably calm. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing....if it means I know subconsciously that everything is going to be fine, or if I've just accepted the inevitable. Despite this calmness, however, I avoided our neighbors when we went to Kevin's softball game last night (the neighbor plays on the opposing team), just because they knew we were having the ultrasound and I didn't really want to talk about it last night.

Kevin has been doing research on the internet about fetal hydrops. Most of it is very discouraging. Yesterday, he came across some information that was somewhat contradictory to everything else we've read. It suggests that fetal hydrops is much more common than the 1 in 3000 pregnancies that we've seen elsewhere, that it is actually occurs in 1 of every 625 pregnancies. And it can develop quickly.....one woman in the study was fine at 24 weeks and at 26 weeks the baby had fetal hydrops. It also lists mortality rates ranging from 50% to 90%, depending on the cause. The cause with the best outcome has already been ruled out for us.....my test for 5th's disease came back negative. So we're still in wait-and-see mode.

And just to make things even more confusing, the baby has been more active in the last two days than it has been in over a week. It's frustrating because one of the symptoms of fetal hydrops is supposed to be decreased fetal movement and what we're getting is the opposite.

I can't even begin to describe how horrible the last two days have been. Yesterday we went for our level II u/s. I was slightly nervous, as this is how Alison's SB was diagnosed. We looked at the head and it was perfectly normal. The head was not lemon shaped, the cerebellum was not banana shaped, and there was no evidence of hydrocephalus. We breathed a sigh of relief. Then the doc came in to do his part of the scan and said the tech had seen something that he needed to check out. Right then was the beginning of our current nightmare.

What she had seen was some fluid around the baby's stomach. The doc didn't know right away where it was coming from so he kept checking this that and the other thing, like he normally would. Then he came to the heart. And what he found is that it is seriously enlarged and there is a large pocket of fluid around it. Also, while the left side, aorta and pulmonary artery are functioning fine, the right atrium is enlarged and the right side is not pumping as well as it should be. What this all boils down to is fetal hydrops, which is fairly rare and almost always fatal. So there we have it. The baby that we prayed for, and went through so many (very expensive) infertility treatments to conceive, is most likely not going to survive to be born. We thought things were bad when Alison was diagnosed with SB, but this is undescribably worse.

All hope is not lost....yet. I had blood drawn yesterday to test for viral or immunological causes. We should have the results in few days. There is still a possibility, though it is highly unlikely, that this might have been caused by exposure to 5th's disease. If that's the case, it can be cured by a blood transfusion. Then there are the rare cases where hydrops has cleared up on it's own. We are hopeful that maybe one of these will be the case for us, but we are preparing for the worst, however it is that you do that. We will see a pediatric cardiologist next week to see if she can better determine what is going on and what the prognosis really is.

This morning I had to do one of the hardest things I've had to do. I tried to explain to my not-quite-3-year-old that she is probably not going to be a big sister after all. I told her that the baby in mommy's tummy is very sick and that mommy and daddy are going to be sad for a while, but we are going to be ok. And then I told her that the baby is probably going to go live with the angels instead of coming to live with us. She understands about us being sad. And she kind of gets that the baby is sick. But I don't think she understands about not being a big sister.

Today, I had my regular OB check-up. It was hard. We had to explain what we found out yesterday and what that doctor thought the outcome would be. And then we had to listen to a healthy sounding fetal heartbeat that was in the 140's, which was better than it was yesterday. And the baby has been more active in the last 24 hours than it has been in the last week.

We are trying very hard to go about with our regular routine, for Alison's sake as well as our own. I took her to Story Time at the library this morning (and totally lost it when one of the other moms -- the wife of one of Kevin's co-workers -- asked me how I was doing. I felt so stupid.) and we will go to her art class and to Kevin's softball game tomorrow night. We are in such limbo right now, though. We've been working towards transitioning Alison out of her nursery and into a new bedroom, but now do not know whether to go ahead with that or not. If we aren't going to need the nursery for the new baby, then there is no point in moving Alison. She can stay where she is and we will still have our guest room. Alison's third birthday is going to happen in the midst of all this turmoil. Our trip to Maine will most likely end up being indefinitely postponed.

And all we can do is sit here and wait....and pray for a miracle.

At 5:18 this morning I was doing what normal people do at that hour. I was sleeping, soundly, oblivious to the thunderstorms rolling toward us. At 5:19 I was yanked from that sound sleep by an enormous clap of thunder, the kind that shakes the house. I layed there for a minute, listening for the inevitable wail that would come from the bedroom across the hall. For a few seconds, I thought I might have gotten lucky and she wasn't going to wake up, but the wail came. And I got out of bed and headed for her room. Kevin was a few steps behind me, coming out of the guest room (I have such a hard time getting comfortable these days that it works best for us to sleep in separate beds, that way we are both able to sleep). When he saw me, he headed back to bed. As I reached for her doorknob, the door opened, and there she was, crying about the thunder. (We're going to have to have a refresher course on the "big girl bed rules.") I scooped her up and plopped her into my bed and climbed in after her. I tried to get her to go back to sleep and tried to go back to sleep myself. Everytime the thunder would boom or rumble she'd either ask me what that noise was (the same thing it was before) or try to bury her head under the pillow or crawl further under the covers. I don't know if she ever went back to sleep, but I managed to do so twice. I could have kicked my husband when he came in at 7:00 to find his pants, that he didn't really need until we got up at 8:00, at the earliest. I had been sound asleep until she realized he was there and shouted "Daddy!" I almost fell out of bed. Would you believe that the thunder finally stopped, just when it was time to get up?

I dragged around, getting ready for church. I would have loved to stay home, but I was substituting for our paid nursery worker. Amazingly, we were ready to go on time. It was so very, very dark, darker than twilight, but not as dark as night. It started sprinkling again as we pulled out of the driveway. By the time we were half way to church, it was a torrential downpour, complete with thunder and lightening. She rode the whole way with her fingers in her ears. We were able to unload a mere 5 feet from the church door and still got pretty wet, even though I had an umbrella. Thankfully some of the men of the church were standing at the doors, ready to open them for people like me who had their hands full. The storm passed just after church started. I was relieved to see we would only have 3 babies in the nursery. I don't think I could have handled a full house. We lost one of our helpers to the 3 yr. old class, where they had 14 little monkeys. We're teaching that class in two weeks.....I hope I either get more sleep or we have fewer kids in there then.

After church we did our weekly grocery shopping. The longer we shopped, the more I dragged. When we got home, it was time for lunch. I couldn't stand it anymore. I had to sleep. And so I did. For 3 1/2 blissful hours. When I woke up this afternoon, it was bright and sunny. The roads, sidewalks and driveways are dry. There was hardly any sign of all the rain we had this morning. It's hot and humid.

Tonight I have to go back to church and work in the nursery again. Hopefully it will not be too busy. And hopefully, when I go to bed tonight, I will be able to sleep uninterrupted until it's time to get up in the morning.

Tomorrow is Kevin's birthday. I have been trying, in vain it seems, to "secretly" get stuff ready for him. You see, my helper is not quite three years old, and she doesn't quite grasp the concept of surprise and secret. This morning, after art class, we stopped at the grocery store to pick up some ingredients for Kevin's cake, a Mississippi Mud Pie, that we didn't have. I kept telling her, yes, we were going to make a cake and that it was a surprise, so not to tell daddy. Well, daddy came home for lunch and the first thing she tells him is that we bought eggs and are going to make a cake. @@ This afternoon, we ran out to the store to pick up a present, a new watch, and a couple of cards (praying I have enough birthday wrapping paper, or it might look like he's getting a Christmas present). Again, I kept telling her it was a surprise and we were not going to tell daddy about it. And again, the first thing she did when we got home was tell him that we had a surprise and that it was a present. Oh well, at least she didn't tell him what it was.

I was going to make the "cake" this afternoon while Alison was sleeping, but was very, very tired for some reason, so I decided to take a nap myself. I knew that Kevin had a late softball game tonight so Alison and I would be able to make it together after he left and before she went to bed. She loves to help me bake. I sat her down with a Signing Time video while I got everything ready and then called her to come and get her chair so she could help me. She always looks so cute pulling the chair away from the dining room table and shoving it into the kitchen, up to the counter, so that she can see and reach. Having a baking buddy is not the easiest thing in the world, but I hope that she will still enjoy baking with me as she gets older and can help do more. So now, all that's left to do is pop the cake in the oven, put the helper to bed, and clean up all the mess so that Kevin doesn't know what we were up to tonight. Fortunately it's cool enough outside to open up a couple of windows so the chocolate smell won't be as strong. He'll be surprised and wonder when I made it, even though he knows I know this is his favorite dessert and I make it for him every year (and for Father's Day, too).

Change is in the air for Alison these days. A couple of weeks ago, we took the rail off of her crib and converted it to a toddler bed. I was a little nervous because I liked the fact that, in the crib, she was contained. I was afraid that she wouldn't stay in bed and that she wouldn't be the good sleeper that she has (almost) always been. It appears that I worried for nothing. She's done great. We go over the "rules" before nap and bedtime (don't get out of bed until mommy or daddy come to get you, and if you wake up early you can play with your little bear, big bear, baby, books or turn on your aquarium), and she still sleeps the same as she did before. In a month or so, I think we'll move her to the regular day bed that's in her room so she gets used to sleeping in a bigger bed before she gets moved to her new room, where she'll be sleeping in a twin bed. We'll be moving her to her new room this fall so she can get used to that before the new baby comes and so she doesn't feel like the new baby is booting her out of her room. I hope that plan works!

Tonight was the last night for the high chair. We've been using it without the tray, just as a regular chair, for a long time, but just now finally got around to finally switching over to a regular booster seat. We've had the booster since she was 8 or 9 months old....we used it when traveling to places where there might not be a high chair (basically any place other than my parents')....but we just never used it at home. Probably because Alison can climb into the high chair by herself, but can't climb up into the booster by herself. I guess we're going to have to work on that. :)

I am doing well. I had my OB physical last week and passed with flying colors. :) I was able to hear the baby's heartbeat with the doppler, so that was exciting and reassuring, even though I had just had an u/s earlier in the week at the infertility doc's office. That was our last appointment with him....we have officially graduated to regular OB patient status. I just hope it stays that way. The midwife I saw (not my regular doc) wanted to keep a closer eye on me early on because of the blood thinner I am on, so instead of going back at 16 weeks, I get to go back at 14 weeks, which is next Friday. And, crazy as it sounds, especially since it's so very early, I think I may have acutally felt the baby move a couple of times. I'm not quite ready for maternity clothes yet...my time is coming soon though, I think....but I did dig out one of my maternity bras from last time and am so much more comfortable now! I no longer feel like the girls are being cinched up to my chin. According to my scale at home, I've gained about 4 pounds. Not too bad, I don't think, especially since one of the things I've been craving is Chips Deluxe cookies! That seems to be passing now though.

I think that's about all from here right now.

Today I had my first official OB appointment. It was just supposed to be the "in take" appointment where we meet with the OB coordinator and go over medical history and all that jazz, but I was pleasantly surprised to find out that they were going to squeeze me in for and ultrasound as well. This practice is pretty busy, so it was kind of difficult to get this appt and my physical scheduled and the last I knew they were still working on an ultrasound appointment. Everything looked real good. I'm 11 weeks 1 day and baby was measuring 11 weeks 4 days, so that was good. We were able to get a look at the spine, and it appears that it is fine. But it is still really early and didn't get the best look, so we'll have to wait until we see the perinatologist before we can say for sure that everything is ok. The rest of the appointment went well. We covered some of the specifics of Alison's surgery, went over my medical history, etc. Then I had to run over to the lab, which was conveniently right next door, to have blood drawn.

Overall, I've been feeling pretty crummy for the last few weeks. I think things are starting to get a little better. I felt pretty awful yesterday. I thought I was in for it this morning because I didn't sleep very well last night....tossed and turned for a couple of hours after I went to bed, then a thunderstorm woke Alison up so she was in bed with me, and not sleeping, for a couple of hours.....but I acutally felt ok this morning. We are going to Cedar Point tomorrow, and have to leave really early, so I'm going to bed early and praying we don't have another thunderstorm tonight!

Well, our first attempt at naked potty training isn't going so well. It's partly my fault....she was walking around putzing like crazy and I should have made her go sit on the potty. Instead, she ran around until it was too late and then pooped her way down the hall (which -- fortunately or unfortunately, I'm not sure which -- is carpeted). I guess she was trying to make it to the bathroom. The good news? She's not constipated anymore. Unfortunately it made for one disgusting mess to clean up. Thank goodness for my Spotlifter. Hopefully I did a good enough job that there won't be any tell-tale spots when the carpet dries.

Here's Alison making our official announcement

My daughter is so sweet. Yesterday, I was sick as a dog.....not morning sickness but some gastrointestinal bug. Kevin took the day off to take care of Alison since the only thing that I could get out of bed for was a run to the bathroom. He kept her away from our bedroom most of the day, because we didn't want to risk her getting sick, too, but he did let her come and stand in the doorway a few times so she could say hi. At one of those visits he told her, again, that mommy was sick and she said she was going to go get some medicine so mommy would feel better. I almost cried. Later in the day, while Kevin was making the two of them some supper, she got ahold of some sticky tabs that I had been using for marking pages and brought one to me. She said she had a band-aid for me and it would make me feel better. So she came in and stuck it on my hand and told me that now I would feel better.

Fortunately, whatever it was was only a 24 hour thing because I'm feeling much better today.

So what's been going on in my life this last week?

Well, the three of us headed down to Cincinnati to get together with my two best friends from college and their husbands. Kevin and Alison had a good time. I, on the other hand, spent most of the weekend about thisclose to praying to the porcelain goddess. Whether it was something I ate or whether it was pregnancy related, I don't know, but I'm feeling much better today. In addition to that, I nearly had a heart attack Saturday morning because I was spotting a little bit. It wasn't a lot, and happened a couple more times that day and once Sunday morning and has stopped. I had another ultrasound today anyway, so I figured there wasn't too much point in worrying about it, since there was nothing I could do about it besides rest, which I was doing anyway since I was sick.

So we had the ultrasound was this morning and I was relieved to see that everything is fine. We have a nice strong heartbeat and everything looks good. According to the measurements, I have a due date of December 29, which is only 2 days off from what I came up with when I used one of the online due date predictors. However, because of Alison's fetal surgery, we'll be delivering at 37 weeks, which will be in the first (full) week of December.

We had a big question about Alison's ability to potty trained answered this morning. Because of the doctor's appointment, I had to get her up a little early. Due to the excitement of the weekend and the messed up schedule it caused, she was still sound asleep. Once she was finally awake, I took her to the bathroom and discovered that her diaper was still completely dry! So she has the ability to go 10 1/2 hours without peeing (actually more than that, since the last time she went was before her bath). That's something we've never been sure about, since she's always wet when we get her up. But a lot of the time she's been awake and playing in her crib for a while before we get her up, which I'm sure is the reason why she's wet. So now we won't have to wait until her next round of urodynamics tests to see if we've been potty training in vain.

Just wanted to give a little bit of an update. We had our first ultrasound today. Everything looks good so far....we confirmed that we are having a singleton, which I suspected based on what my hcg levels were doing, that it is in the right place, and there is a nice yolk sac. :) Since I am not quite 6 weeks yet, it was too early for a heartbeat, but if all continues to go well, it should be there next week. I'm feeling pretty good, so far. One of my meds makes me a little queasy at times, but other than that, I'm mostly just tired. It seems that, most days, I'm passed out on the couch by 3:00 or so. It's a good thing that Alison naps until 4:00!

I talked to my mom today and she told me she almost blew my Father's Day surprise for my dad. My brother's birthday is Friday and for his birthday present, I scanned some slides of him as a fairly newborn that my dad found last year with the intention of printing them out and putting them in a small baby album. His real baby album has been misplaced, leading to a family joke that he is adopted. Anyway, my mom said something to my dad about what I had done and he zeroed right in on the "scanned slides" part of the story. "They can scan slides?" He said. My mom quickly covered by saying that Kevin had done it at work and it was a real PITA to do, because she knew that otherwise he would be headed downstairs to look for his slides. And the problem with that is that his slides are in my office, being scanned and eventually made into a slideshow for him for Father's Day. She thinks she threw him off the trail, but just in case will move stuff around in the storage room so it won't be quite so obvious they're gone.

We've kind of slacked off on the potty training around here. There are a couple of reasons for it. Alison was pretty sick for the better part of a week, and we got out of the routine and I've been too tired to fight with her about it. We had her in underwear last Thursday and she was doing great. We thought we were home free regarding poop since she had pooped (in the potty I might add) at lunchtime. Hah! As per our Thursday night ritual, we were watching Beauty and the Beast. She got real squirmy towards the end of the movie, so that must have been when she pooped because otherwise she will lay on her pillow and not move until the movie is over. Kevin got her cleaned up and was dealing with the poopy underwear and I was filling up the bathtub. She was running around the living room naked. The next thing we know she came flying into the bathroom and grabbed the potty seat, shoving it at Kevin to put it back on the toilet. She had to go, and she had to go bad! Unfortunately, Kevin wasn't fast enough and she tinkled on the floor a little bit before he ended up just holding her over the toilet. If it ever gets warmer here (a week ago we had 4 inches of snow again) I think I'm going to try ditching the twisters for a week or so and seeing if going naked while we're at home will finally help everything to click.

I think that's about it from here.

I've been keeping this in a word program for the last few weeks, but now it's time to post it.

April 7

There are only a few people who know what we’ve been going through for the past couple of weeks....my parents, because they’re helping pay for it, and one of my friends, because I had to explain why we couldn’t get together for a weekend that we were planning to do, our next door neighbors, because we needed a babysitter and Alison’s physical therapist, because it came up in converstaion about PT appointments today. I’m not even going to post this to my blog until all is said and done. We’re doing in vitro again.

After the embryo transfer failed, my doctor said there was no medical reason not to try one more time, a full cycle and an embryo transfer, if necessary. Beyond that, he felt it would be best to call it quits. He was concerned about my ovarian reserve and felt if we were going to try again, we should do it soon, not immediately, but in the next few months. We had already come to grips with the fact that, after the full cycle and embryo transfer we had already done, we couldn’t afford to do it again. My parents offered to help us out if we really wanted to try it again. Kevin wasn’t real thrilled with the idea of borrowing money from my parents, but he wanted to try again. I was kind of on the fence, having resigned myself to being done, but agreed.

We’ve got some really whacked out insurance right now. The health insurance has a $2500 lifetime infertility coverage. While it’s really peanuts when it comes to something like in vitro, it’s better than the zero coverage they provided before. The presciption plan, a contract that is negotiated seperately, no longer covers any meds for infertility treatment....not even cheap stuff like clomid. So we were looking at an easy $5000 just for meds. After explaining this, the doc didn’t even miss a beat when advising us to get our meds from Europe. Which is what we did. Fortunately, on our last full cycle, I needed a couple of more days of drugs so had refilled my scripts and had almost a half cycle worth of meds left over. While the doctor’s office couldn’t tell us who to go to to get the scripts filled, they could write them for us. We found a reputable company, based out of England, and were able to get the rest of the meds we needed for a 10 day stim cycle for less than $700. They really were great. They guaranteed delivery in 6-10 days and the stuff arrived on the 10th day. As it turned out, I needed to stim for an extra day and a half, so I was 18 amps short. Doc said I could get by with 12 amps, and we were able to figure out a way to pay for it. They were more expensive than the 52 amps we ordered from London!!!

Tuesday was our retrieval. True to form, they had a very hard time starting my IV. The nurse tried twice on my hand, and had it started, but it wasn’t dripping very well, so the anesthesiologist came in to give it another try. He started a good line up in my bicep area. Needless to say, I’ve got two huge bruises, but at least they didn’t mess up my reliable blood drawing spot. Anyway, they were able to get 20 eggs!!! I only had 20 eggs one other time, the cycle that produced the batch of embryos that Alison came from. No wonder I gained 8 pounds in a week! I know some of that was poor eating over the Easter holiday weekend, but I knew I hadn’t eaten enough to gain 8 pounds, especially since I had made use of my dad’s new treadmill while we were there. I guess having 20 20+ mm follicles on my ovaries is going to add some weight. :) We got our fertilization report Wednesday. Out of the 20 eggs, 2 degenerated. They did ICSI on 18 and 16 fertlized. Doctor wants to do a 5 day (blastocyst) transfer instead of a 3 day transfer. Well, that’s great, but it’s also an additional $1155 that we don’t exactly have lying around. It also messed up our childcare plans. My mom had come up Sunday to stay with us and watch Alison for the week, including some of the time that I would have to be off my feet after the transfer, which we thought was going to be on Friday, so Kevin wouldn’t have to take any more time off than what was necessary to go to the appointments. After we got the results and the word that we’re doing a blast transfer, my mom called her boss to see if she could get on the schedule for Thursday and take Monday off instead (Friday and Tuesday are her days off when she works the weekend, which she has to do this weekend). She left last night after dinner, getting home around 11, I think, and went to work this morning. She’ll be back on Sunday night. That left us without a sitter for Sunday in the day time. We could take Alison with us, and have done it before, but it’s a hassle. Thank goodness for neighbors that adore Alison and love to watch her if we need them and they are available (Melissa won’t even let us pay her, but we do pay her neice). That just left finding a sub for our Sunday school class. It took 2 calls, the couple we split with is working in the nursery this week, but we got somebody. Whew!! As for the money, The Bank of Mom&Dad was open and my mom left us with a check before she went home Wednesday, so we’re all set there. It’s a good thing, too, because today we got a call that we need to pay the extra by tomorrow, since there won’t be anyone at the office on Sunday who can handle the money. So that means my free morning will now be taken up with a trip to the doctor’s office. Oh well.

April 8

Well, we’re all paid up now. And luckily, they were able to give us our transfer time while we were there, so now waiting around for a phone call all afternoon. Sunday morning at 10:00 is T-time. :) We have to be there at 9:30 so they can turn me into a human pincushioin again (translated -- start and IV). I plan to load up on the fluids before midnight tomorrow, so hopefully I won’t be quite so dehydrated and it won’t be so difficult. All that’s left to do right now is let the neighbors know we need someone here by 7:30 and make sure we have a schedule and eveyrthing they need for Alison ready before we leave.

April 10

Today was our transfer. As with the retrieval, it took two tries to start the stupid IV, and this time I ended up with it on the palm side of my left wrist. Things went well. We transfered 2 blastocyst embryos. We have more that are still growing, so we’ll see what happens with them. My mom will be back this evening to help with Alison.


April 11

Got the results of the blood they drew yesterday. My levels are holding well. That’s encouraging. I go in for more blood test on Friday. It feels really weird to be banished to the couch while my mom is here doing everything for Alison. She’s cracking me up, though, because I left a very explicit schedule for our babysitter yesterday and she’s making a big production out of following the schedule. Moms.....what are you going to do with them. :)

April 13

We got information regarding the rest of our embryos today. We have 7 that are now frozen. That's kind of a relief. If this doesn't work, in theory we still have at least one more try, maybe 2 or possibly even 3, depending on how many the doctor would recommend thawing for each attempt.

April 15

Got blood drawn this morning. So far, so good. My progesterone was down by half, but Estrodiol is still up over 1000. That’s good news for me. I go back on Monday for more bloodwork. That’s when I expect the Estrodiol to drop (as has been the pattern in the past). I’m so glad to be off sofa arrest. The weather has been nice, so we’ve been out walking again.

April 18

Well, I made it in for bloodwork this morning, despite the weekend from hell. Alison was in the hospital for dehydration due to vomiting, which was most likely casused by Rotavirus, and therefore, so was I. She was discharged late this afternoon. I had to call in for my test results today, since we didn’t know where I’d be this afternoon. They were good. My progesterone was back up a little bit and my Estrodiol, while down, was still over 800. That’s huge for me. Generally, by this point, it has dropped down to 400 or less. I’m trying not to read anything into it, but I can’t help but be a little optimistic. Back for more bloodwork on Friday

April 22

We had to do some schedule juggling so Kevin could be home to watch Alison, because her virus landed on me yesterday and I don’t think I could get both of us to the doctor’s office in time for bloodwork this morning. She needs the sleep anyway. I got the results this afternoon. I AM PREGNANT!!!!!!!

I’m still shaking as I type this. My hcg level is 264, Estrodiol is over 1000 again and progesterone is back over 100. I go back in Monday for more bloodwork. I guess this would explain why I’ve been feeling queasy in the evenings for the past week. I was chalking it up to sleep deprivation because Alison was sick.....guess not!

Aarrrrrgggg!!

We've been making a little potty training progress. (Yes, we're back to potty training entries.....sorry). Alison has been wearing underwear again. Yesterday she was dry the whole evening and today she was dry the whole day (except for nap, when she wore a diaper). Unfortunately, she pooped in her underwear once last night and twice today. And now I'm not quite sure what to do. I yelled at her after the second time tonight, which was probably not the right thing to do, but she pooped not 10 minutes after having been in the bathroom to tinkle and she lied to me about it when I asked her if she had done it, so I was a bit exasperated. Before she went to bed tonight, we had a little chat about it. She has agreed that she won't poop in her underwear anymore and that she will tell us if she needs to go. I guess we'll see how that goes tomorrow. I'm not holding my breath. She just doesn't care if she is sitting in a poopy diaper or poopy underwear. She doesn't want to interrupt what she is doing to go to the bathroom. And when she does go she doesn't want to sit there any longer than it takes to tinkle. Once she's done that, she's done. We're going to need a lot more underwear before this battle is over. And I see a lot of extra loads of laundry in my future, too. :(

So were riding in the car tonight, on our way to church for a game night with our fellowship group, and we passed the grocery store. Alison says, "there's an A." Ok, there's an "A." So I ask her if she can spell her name -- we'd been kind of working on that a little while ago, not seriously, just for the heck of it. She says "A-L-S-O, what's that spell?" And I said, "well, that spells also. Can you spell Alison?" And she starts again "A-L-I-S-O-N, Alison." I was impressed.

Poor Alison.

Thursday after PT, we went to the mall to bum around for a while. No big deal. We had fun. We were heading back from Penney's towards the little motorized rides, because I had promised she could ride a couple, when I realized it had been a while since we'd been to the bathroom and it would probably be a good idea to at least try. So we stopped. We used the handicapped stall (sorry to those of you who think able bodied people shouldn't use them, but the regular ones don't accomodate strollers, and technically, one of us was handicapped). I pulled out the little fold up potty seat we have and put it on the toilet. Then I got Alison out of all of her gear, since she was wearing her twisters, and ready to get on the potty. As I attempted to place her on the seat, she bumped it, pushing it back, and it fell, and then she almost fell, right into the toilet. I stood her back on the floor, grabbed the potty seat out of the toilet and started drying it off with toilet paper, all the while praying that she wouldn't just decide to pee while standing there (since she had still been dry when this adventure started) because I didn't have any other clothes to put on her. Memo to self -- it might be time to start thinking about packing an extra set of clothes, just in case. It took two more tries to finally get her on the seat, one of those tries nearly resulting in another dip in the toilet for the potty seat, but we did it, and so did she. Thank goodness. At least it didn't traumatize her too badly. She's still willing to sit on the potty, though she is a little afraid she's going to lose her seat, even at home.