I can't even begin to describe how horrible the last two days have been. Yesterday we went for our level II u/s. I was slightly nervous, as this is how Alison's SB was diagnosed. We looked at the head and it was perfectly normal. The head was not lemon shaped, the cerebellum was not banana shaped, and there was no evidence of hydrocephalus. We breathed a sigh of relief. Then the doc came in to do his part of the scan and said the tech had seen something that he needed to check out. Right then was the beginning of our current nightmare.

What she had seen was some fluid around the baby's stomach. The doc didn't know right away where it was coming from so he kept checking this that and the other thing, like he normally would. Then he came to the heart. And what he found is that it is seriously enlarged and there is a large pocket of fluid around it. Also, while the left side, aorta and pulmonary artery are functioning fine, the right atrium is enlarged and the right side is not pumping as well as it should be. What this all boils down to is fetal hydrops, which is fairly rare and almost always fatal. So there we have it. The baby that we prayed for, and went through so many (very expensive) infertility treatments to conceive, is most likely not going to survive to be born. We thought things were bad when Alison was diagnosed with SB, but this is undescribably worse.

All hope is not lost....yet. I had blood drawn yesterday to test for viral or immunological causes. We should have the results in few days. There is still a possibility, though it is highly unlikely, that this might have been caused by exposure to 5th's disease. If that's the case, it can be cured by a blood transfusion. Then there are the rare cases where hydrops has cleared up on it's own. We are hopeful that maybe one of these will be the case for us, but we are preparing for the worst, however it is that you do that. We will see a pediatric cardiologist next week to see if she can better determine what is going on and what the prognosis really is.

This morning I had to do one of the hardest things I've had to do. I tried to explain to my not-quite-3-year-old that she is probably not going to be a big sister after all. I told her that the baby in mommy's tummy is very sick and that mommy and daddy are going to be sad for a while, but we are going to be ok. And then I told her that the baby is probably going to go live with the angels instead of coming to live with us. She understands about us being sad. And she kind of gets that the baby is sick. But I don't think she understands about not being a big sister.

Today, I had my regular OB check-up. It was hard. We had to explain what we found out yesterday and what that doctor thought the outcome would be. And then we had to listen to a healthy sounding fetal heartbeat that was in the 140's, which was better than it was yesterday. And the baby has been more active in the last 24 hours than it has been in the last week.

We are trying very hard to go about with our regular routine, for Alison's sake as well as our own. I took her to Story Time at the library this morning (and totally lost it when one of the other moms -- the wife of one of Kevin's co-workers -- asked me how I was doing. I felt so stupid.) and we will go to her art class and to Kevin's softball game tomorrow night. We are in such limbo right now, though. We've been working towards transitioning Alison out of her nursery and into a new bedroom, but now do not know whether to go ahead with that or not. If we aren't going to need the nursery for the new baby, then there is no point in moving Alison. She can stay where she is and we will still have our guest room. Alison's third birthday is going to happen in the midst of all this turmoil. Our trip to Maine will most likely end up being indefinitely postponed.

And all we can do is sit here and wait....and pray for a miracle.