So I've been thinking a little about an e-mail conversation I had not too long ago about the use of technology in managing pregnancy these days. Is it a good thing or a bad thing?

Well, were it not for all the advances in infertility treatments, I would not be able to get pregnant at all. Given the way things have turned out, perhaps that might not have been a bad thing. Also, were it not for in-depth ultrasounds we wouldn't have known about Alison's spina bifida until she was born. And were it not for a couple of doctors who thought maybe it would make a difference if the lesion of a baby with spina bifida was closed before it was born, Alison wouldn't be the child she is today.

I've been pondering whether or not it would have been better if we hadn't known about everything that is wrong with this baby. We could have just gone on our merry way and been happily wiling away the last 12 weeks without a care in the world, preparing for a new baby without knowing that we would be coming home empty handed. Instead, we have spent the last 12 weeks in a quasi state of mourning, waiting for the end to come, wondering why it hasn't. All of our preparations stopped as soon as we found out there was a fatal problem. We already had Alison sleeping in a regular bed, so there was no going back to the crib, but we didn't go ahead with turning our guest room into her new room and moving her. We didn't bother to invest in a double stroller. I didn't bother to get the Baby Bjorn that I really wanted. We bought no new baby things at all. We didn't spend a lot of money for nothing (well, not counting what it cost us to go through all the infertility treatments this time). We won't come home to an empty nursery. Instead, we're having discussions about what to do with our child after he or she dies.

So which is the better way to go: having time to prepare or getting the devestating news at the end? I don't know.