Today has been a really crappy day. You'd think it was Friday the 13th or something. @@

I was greeted this morning with an e-mail from my uncle announcing the birth of my cousin's son. I knew this was coming...his wife and I were originally due only a few days apart....and I have been dreading it. I was praying that they would have a girl....it would have been the only thing that would make this even remotely bearable...but deep down I knew it would be a boy. All I could do was cry.

And I'm angry. Rightly or wrongly, I am angry. As I got my daughter dressed this morning and put her in her brace and her twisters I wanted to know why did they get to have a healthy child and I don't. Why does their son get to live and my son is dead, his ashes sitting in a box on a table in my living room? Why do they get to be happy and I don't? What have I done to deserve this?

And I know it's only a matter of time before pictures arrive. I have pictures, too. To be specific, I have 11 pictures. And that's all I'll ever have. But I haven't shared them with anyone who hasn't asked to see them, which means I haven't shared them with very many people because, let's face it, who wants to see pictures of a gray baby covered with tubes and wires and who has a leg that sticks out at an unnatural angle because his knee joint never properly formed.

So that's the way my day started. And it never got any better. I ended up cutting my workout short because I just didn't feel like doing the whole thing, and I will be kicking myself for that tomorrow.

My daughter, who was perfectly well behaved this morning, woke up from her nap and turned into the the devil's spawn, yet again, by dinner time. She ended up in her room for the rest of the night. That came back to bite me in the butt, because instead of letting me know that she needed to go to the bathroom, like I asked her to, she wet her pants and soaked her bedspread. The only good news is that it stopped with the bedspread, so I didn't have to change her sheets. All in all, I'd say it was the perfect end to a crappy day.