So yesterday was our appointment at U of M. At 29 weeks we have a baby that is measuring correctly except for one place. It's chest is only measuring 25 weeks. The heart is still taking up a large portion of the chest cavity, but there is some question as to whether that's because the heart is really that big or because the chest is so compressed. There is no fluid around the baby. We were able to see the veins running to the kidneys, but not the kidneys themselves, nor the bladder or the stomach. Which means the kidneys aren't producing urine to fill the bladder to be expelled and taken in by the baby, develop the lungs, fill the stomach to go back to the kidneys. Basically, what we saw is almost certainly a baby that won't survive.

But then again, the cardiologist told us with almost certainty that this pregnancy was going to end in fetal demise weeks ago. And that didn't happen.

Still, we have to face the fact that we are going to come home without a baby. However, there's a big difference between accepting and preparing for the fact that you are going to deliver a stillborn baby and accepting and preparing for the fact that you are now going to deliver a live baby have to watch him or her die.

So as of now, the plan is to continue weekly appointments at my regular OB's office. At the beginning of November I will see the perinatalogist that originally diagnosed us to take a quick look at the baby and go over surgery risks, etc. and get on the surgery schedule for delivery at 34 weeks, which is the week before Thanksgiving (though if we can talk him into it, I'd rather wait until after Thanksgiving). We are not going to be delivering at our local hospital, because they don't have a NICU, but at the same hospital where Alison was born, because they do have a NICU, just in case anything can be done. All docs involved feel this is an acceptable course of action because I really don't want to deliver at U of M if there's really nothing that can be done, and the doc there said that if by some chance there is something that can be done that the hospital where I will deliver can't handle there would (probably) still be time to transfer the baby to U of M. Either way, this part of the nightmare that has become my life will be over.

Kevin and I have agreed that cremation is the route we are going to go, partly from a financial standpoint, but also because I just can't handle the idea of a burial. I just can't. And I don't think we'll have any kind of funeral or memorial service, either. But we will take pictures. I think that's important. I don't think there is any benefit to having Alison see the baby now.....she's just too little to understand what is happening and I think it would be way to confusing for her.....but when she's older, she may want to see the pictures.