It's been a long time since I've written anything. And a lot has been going on.

We had our appointment with Pediatric Cardiology at U of M, and they basically confirmed what we expected. They baby is not going to survive. What they did tell us was that this was not originally a heart problem. The heart formed properly. But the right ventricle, which is supposed to be doing all the work in utero, is just barely pumping. The left ventricle has taken up the slack, but it cannot continue to do so indefinitely. Also, the heart is definitely enlarged and there was a lot of fluid around it.

A week later, we were back at U of M for another detailed ultrasound and a follow-up appointment with Ped. Cardiology. The ultrasound was awful. There was no amniotic fluid around the baby, making it nearly impossible to see anything very clearly. The person doing the u/s groaned and grimmaced the entire time. I know it was hard for her to do her job, but there wasn't anything that could be done about it. Things were the way they were. After the u/s, a doctor came in to talk to us, and his bedside manner was pretty much as unpleasant at the u/s tech's. He wanted to know what we had been told about the baby's viability and the cause of the problem. I just wanted to tell him that we weren't there because we wanted to be there, we were there because Ped. Cardiology wanted us there, we knew that the baby wasn't going to survive and why it wasn't going to survive, and we didn't need him to tell us that. Since they couldn't see if the baby has any kidneys or not, the doc mentioned the possibility of having us come back for an MRI to check for them and we told them no. It's not going to change anything, and it's a pain in the butt to get down there for appointments anyway. From there we went downstairs to our Ped. Cardiology appt. where the staff was much nicer. They rechecked everything, double checked something things they thought might be causing the problem, but they looked fine. The doctor said they could have us back in four weeks if we wanted to, but that it was up to us. Again, we declined, for the same reasons we declined the possibility of the MRI.

During these appointments, Alison was with my mom. She came to stay at our house for the initial cardiology appoinment, and then met us in Ann Arbor and got a motel room for Alison to take a nap in for the follow-ups. Alison had had an appointment of her own that morning. Once we were done with our appointments, we met them at the motel, went back to the mall to pick up some shoes for Alison and me, had dinner, and headed back to Ohio to my parents' house. You see, my grandmother had died early that week and the memorial service was the next day.

We got through the service and came home to plan for a birthday party. That's right, I'm now the proud owner of a three year old. :) We had a small party with just the three of us on Alison's actual birthday, and had my parents' and the neighbors over for a bigger party the following Saturday. During this time, I hadn't been feeling the baby very much. When I went in for my appointment Monday afternoon, I was fully prepared for there to be no heartbeat. I hadn't felt the baby in at least a day. The heartrate was a little slower and I was measuring a week behind. I still wasn't feeling any movement. Then all of a sudden, on Wednesday, the baby started going crazy, moving like it was before we knew there was anything wrong. And it has been this way ever since. I can't imagine that anything has changed, no matter how much I might hope that it has. Maybe this is just the last hurrah before everything comes to an end.

I just wish that if the baby is going to die, it would die now instead of dragging on and on. If this baby is not meant to be, we all need to get on with our lives. I realize that may sound cold and cruel, and like we don't want this baby. Nothing could be farther from the truth. This baby is very much wanted. I just feel like Alison has missed out on so much for the last 6 months, and all for nothing. For most of the first trimester, I felt crummy all the time and didn't have the energy to do much more than what I had to. Then, once I finally started feeling better, it got so darn hot here that I couldn't stand being outside very much. We went to PT and to the classes she took at the Community Center, but that's about it. Last summer we went to Dow Gardens pretty much every week, weather permitting. This year, I think we went twice, and it was before there was anything to do in the Childrens' Garden, her favorite place to go. Since we learned of the baby's problems, we've been trying to keep things as normal as possible around here for her, but how normal is it for mommy and daddy to be sad so much of the time? She know the baby is sick, but she's just too little to fully understand what's going on. We don't talk about the baby very much at all anymore, yet today, out of the blue, she told her Sunday school teacher that she was going to have a little brother. That left Kevin in the akward position of having to explain the situation.

And that's where we are for now....waiting.